Am I Wanted?

Yesterday, I had a tough conversation with my aged mother.  I was prompted to give her a call and ask a very difficult question which I had to develop tenderly so as not to offend or put her on guard.  I had to ask her if I was wanted…

During prayer time, I kept feeling that all too familiar sense of a dark place deep in my soul trying to rise up again to distract and crush me; that sad one that evokes a sense of being alone even when I’m truly not alone.  It creates a self focus that is unhealthy.  Wanting no more to do with that place I cried out to God, “What is this?”  I felt Him say I had to be willing to look squarely at it; however ugly it may be.  I took a breath for courage and said, “Yes.”  I then felt compelled to call my mother.

Her raspy, “Hello,” with the tell-tale sounds of 83 years on this earth greeted me.  I made a very conscious effort to construct my question carefully so as not to put her off but encourage an honest answer.  Truth has escaped some dialogue with my mom in her effort to at times, create her own safe haven of unreality which she has accepted as truth, as it is the place she feels most comfortable and unthreatened.

I began to develop the reason for my call stating I had to ask her a very difficult question but that I needed her to be honest.  I promised that I would not take offense to her answer as I totally understand how we do our best in every stage of life with what we have been dealt and with how we are equipped at the time.  I shared that I would have handled some things in my life differently had I known then what I know now.  I then checked myself to brace and keep my promise of no offense or hurt regardless of what I heard and asked her, “Mom, when you found out you were pregnant with me, did you want me, or when I was a small child was I wanted?”   

I must admit that I am astounded that I still need any reassurance or deliverance in this area at all because the Lord has had time to deliver me of much from my childhood. I can only express that we each are like an onion, layer upon layer of stinky stuff that just has to continually be pealed until the very core is reached.  We have victory at each level and then the Lord begins pealing off more, continuously stretching us and revealing hidden things we didn't know existed until He prepares our hearts to be able to look.

She cleared her throat and asked me why I was asking her such a thing.  Those tears of deliverance that had begun earlier in prayer time with my Father, reappeared and began to pour out as I tried to express my heart’s ache; that I just have a sense of being alone a lot in childhood.  My memories are that I was never told, “I love you, Kim,” until much later in life after formative years had passed.  I had no memory of being held, cuddled, and bundled up in arms that can’t seem to get enough of you like I did with my children and now with my darling grandchildren. 

I expected her to try to make excuses for why she didn’t want to be pregnant or have a second child.  After all, I would have understood the overwhelm she must have felt with a husband who was absent and emotionally unavailable.  I would have understood the shame and torment of dealing with an alcoholic in that same man. I would have felt confirmed in my belief of her that she just really wasn’t a woman who wanted children but was a career woman instead.  But what I heard coming out of her mouth was to the contrary.  She stated she did in fact want me and that she was happy to be pregnant again after the four year break between my brother and me.  She was especially excited to now have a girl since she already had a boy. 

Something didn’t resonate because if that was the truth then why did I have the memory of childhood which I have battled and vowed to NEVER instill in my own children’s lives?  I was determined that I would be a loving, nurturing mother; that my children would NEVER feel alone or unwanted;  that they would not only have my arms wrapped around them, but my lips would smother them in kisses and speak affirming words of love continuously.  As their tiny lives developed, they would be secure in the knowledge of my love and adoration for them.  

I had to admit, I felt a bit disappointed in her stance which denied what I have felt all my life.  Now I was confused.  How, if she truly wanted me, could my emotional development have been so unhealthy with insecurity, disappointment, frustration, self pity and self-blame?  As I silently asked my Father in heaven, “What now,” I sensed that I was to be still and the answer would begin to pour out of her mouth like the tears poured from my eyes moments earlier.

In her own searching of why I would ask such a thing, she began to share what life from her perspective was like in her marriage to my father.  Again, I checked my emotions and judgment at the door of the Lord’s heart, to help me remain neutral and supportive of her in order to provide a safe place for her so she could speak freely.  

To my surprise, which created a new found empathy for my mom, I heard her tell of stories of verbal and physical abuse by my father, one such event sending her to the hospital with the loss of her hearing due to a blow to the head.  I heard of my father’s intimidation to force her to sign documents creating business deals which ended badly even resulting in the loss of our house.

Her walls of self preservation came tumbling down as, for the next hour, I heard her recounting days of her own childhood in which her parents were harsh with her and that she never remembers being told, “I love you”.  She couldn’t remember feeling loved with the affection parents should bestow on their children to give them a sense of security in the love that we all need to develop soundly.  She made the same vow I had voiced myself, “I will never be like my parents.” 

My eyes widened at that because she was in fact just like them!  With such a heart posture, how then did she emulate the very same thing in my life?  I did not confess what was on my mind and pressed my lips together tightly so I wouldn’t spew what was trying so desperately to come forth from my own mouth.  I continued to listen and she continued to reveal stories I have never heard and which would have died with her when she is called home, if not shared.

She confessed that she remembered only one time she felt such love for all of us that it gave her hope that we could be a real family.  There it was…what I suspected all along…as I also only remember one time of “feeling” that gush of overwhelming love that feels like warm liquid running through your entire being, including the deepest places where love resides.  If she was only cognoscente of feeling that love once, then she was lacking the love for family which is normal and healthy.  I know this because I experience that amazing love too many times to count for my husband, children and grandchildren.  That’s not to say you always, “feel” love, because let’s be honest, there are times you don’t feel anything but disgust, anger, hopelessness, heart ache, but you still know that you love your family member.  There are times that true love must kick in until the storm or trial passes and you feel love again.  There are times we just have to be patient, kind, not easily offended or envious, and not counter what just hurt us with more evil or rudeness.  I have clung to the familiar wedding passage from 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 many times when my “feelings” of love were snatched away for a time.  Sometimes I am successful with this love walk but sometimes I fail miserably.

Mom then proceeded to tell me of my father’s childhood.  My grandfather, whom I never knew due to a heart attack before I was born, was harsh with his words.  Living on a farm, Dad felt alone and headed for the city at his first opportunity to escape what he despised.   She then informed me Dad was terribly insecure.  Even though I had heard shocking details throughout this conversation, this was the most I was stunned and my jaw dropped with my mouth gaping open for what seemed an eternity as her words reverberated over and over in my mind.  I NEVER perceived my father as insecure.  As a child, I deceptively saw him as strong with the false empowerment of alcohol, and then later, upon sobering up and accepting Jesus to save, heal and deliver him, I knew him to be strong but in a gentle and self controlled manner.  Mom continued with recounts of his struggles to be a successful business man and the power he actually did possess in the Kansas City market area.  This was only to be for a season as the empire he built come crashing down to bad deals and dealings with bad people.

I don't know if those stories are true or not, as I have heard much in the past which wasn't, but it still softened my heart toward her as her perception is her reality. 

In this time with my mom she gave me the confirmation I needed to know I wasn’t conjuring up false memories of feeling alone and unloved.  There was legitimate reason for the enemy of insecurity of which I have battled to have entrance into our lives.  I was a product of generational curses.  Only God knows how much has been repeated in the blood lines of my parents.  In the beauty of my Lord, however, upon my vow that I would not be like my mom in how I parented my children, my Lord gave me the gift of grace which would be all the empowerment I would need; sufficient to overcome my childhood and become the parent my children needed.  It was my choice to receive that grace and run with it and I thank Him that I did.  The Lord was my model parent since I had no such knowledge of how to do that.  I haven't been the perfect parent, because no such being exists, with the exception of Father God.  He gave me an ear to hear His wisdom for specific instruction with each child so they could grow up safely and knowing Him, which is the most important gift and responsibility we have as parents.  In this, they will be able to carry on walking with the One who is Life in their own garden of life. 

It was time for the call to end.  I assured my mom of my love for her, and hung up to the sound of her tears which earlier had poured from me.  My heart is tender now for my mom.  How much easier it is to understand why people are the way they are once we have the answer as to why they are the way they are!

I finished my private time with my Lord to allow Him to purge the past and help me to just let it all go once and for all.  I have my answer and I don’t need to keep replaying it.  As deep calls unto deep, I can let the Lord have this deep place and fill it with more of Him. He is calling me to higher levels with each step up the mountain of God.  I am in the Refiner’s fire, which is painful but good as it is perfecting that which concerns me.   I have no reason to be insecure and am equipped to deal with the temptation to return should I sense it trying to creep back.  I can talk to myself the way my Love talks to me: I am my Beloved's and He is mine, I am accepted unconditionally by Him even though He sees every terrible thing still needing His touch.

We each are given choices in this life. We can continue with what is harmful or we can choose to go with what brings health and life.  Sometimes it’s tough to let go of the anger, frustration, self pity, unforgiveness or whatever else is in the way of our freedom, but it is imperative to our receiving the blessings of joy and peace.  There are going to be times in each of our lives when we have opportunity to feel insecure.  We need to make the choice to not believe the lies being whispered in our ear by the enemy who wants our focus to be on ourselves, looking down, so we will miss what we could have had if we had just been looking up. So in answer to my original question, "Am I wanted" the answer for each of us is a resounding, "YES!" from the very heart of God.

I smiled as He touched my heart one more time to confirm and reassure me with last night's performance on Jimmy Fallon they sang, “Let it Go” using children’s classroom instruments.  How simple…

Excerpts from "Let It Go"

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight

Not a footprint to be seen

A kingdom of isolation,

And it looks like I’m the queen.

The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside

Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see

Be the good girl you always have to be

Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know

Well, now they know

Let it go, let it go

Can’t hold it back anymore

Let it go, let it go

Turn away and slam the door

I don’t care

What they’re going to say

Let the storm rage on,

The cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance

Makes everything seem small

And the fears that once controlled me

Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do

To test the limits and break through

I’m free

I’m never going back,

The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go

And I'll rise like the break of dawn

Let it go, let it go

That perfect girl is gone

Here I stand

In the light…

GOOD GRIEF...OR BAD?

I read a Facebook post recently from a parent of a child whose departing this earth to be with the Lord was high profile and covered in much prayer and emotion from a wide audience.  I am in awe of those parents whose child went home after a long battle because throughout the journey, they have been raw in their honesty yet true to their faith in the Lord.  That is why they can speak the bold things they do about the Lord in the midst of their own grief and are not destroyed by the tragedy.  These parents have shared with anyone who will read the status updates, the process of moving through their grief and sorrow over what I think has to be the most painful loss there exists…that of your child.  Father God knows that pain Himself as He sent His Son Jesus for the very purpose of rescuing His future children through the death of His beloved Child. 

In reading the mother’s post which was a “Happy Birthday” to their little girl, I felt moved to address grief in this post.  I think it is something so personal and mistreated.  I think there is much attempt on our parts to avoid it ourselves because it’s so painful.  We also exert much effort trying to get a bereaved individual to be encouraged and not in sorrow because it’s uncomfortable to be with someone going through that pain.  We are awkward because we really don’t know what to do or say.  In our smallness of mind, we well meaning ones try to “help” by saying some very foolish things, like, “God needed another angel so He took your baby.”  What fruit is produced by saying something like that?  First of all, angels are entirely different created spirit beings than humans and humans do not transform into angels upon death.  There is absolutely nothing scriptural about that statement.  Secondly, and probably most importantly, it can cause a heart to hate God for taking that precious person from our lives.  Sometimes the best thing to do with someone experiencing pain from grief is to be quiet, saying more through our holding them, or just being present, then expressing well meaning but foolish words.

I once heard a well known preacher/teacher tell of his own family’s loss of a dear one and he proceeded to address their tears with an exhortation and correction to not cry or grieve that loss.  To do so, he instructed, was to show lack of joy in the Lord and in His goodness to have taken their born again loved one to heaven and denies the fact that Jesus took our sorrow to the cross.  He continued that the knowledge of the loved one being a born again Christian should have produced nothing but rejoicing, knowing he was in heaven!  What this person didn’t understand, was that he was denying his family the right to grieve and move through it. 

If we don’t move through and eventually release grief in a healthy way, it will manifest in other ways:  unresolved anger, bitterness, loneliness, irritability, touchiness, depression, anxiety, or even as severe as suicide, at the thought of not being able to go on without that loved one.  What that man did in his instruction was forget that Jesus Himself grieved with weeping with Mary and Martha over the death of His friend, Lazarus, John 11:33-36; and over the loss of His dear Jerusalem who would not come to Him, Luke 19:41-44.  If Jesus Himself grieved, why would we think we should not go through the process ourselves?

Grief is as personal as each individual.  Different personalities, life experiences, equipping, knowledge, will create diverse ways of coping with grief.  There is a good way to move through it and a bad way.  I have experienced both. 

In the early 90’s I suffered the loss of my dad at a time in my life when I had endured loss of so many other things: my marriage, relationships, health, career, earthly possessions, reputation, freedom.  The marriage never was healthy and so was gone before it began as I married out of God’s will by marrying an unbeliever. The other elements of my life I lost were due to toxic exposure to chemicals in a new school building in which daily contact destroyed my immune system.  This created a “bubble girl” kind of effect in my life.  I became a social isolate and had to guard everything I ate, breathed or touched or I would experience debilitating symptoms which rendered me disabled.  Throughout that grueling experience, my one and only support was my father, with the exception of one compassionate friend who likewise was experiencing the same thing, just not to the degree that I was affected.  My dad was my “go to” because I did not have the relationship with God I do today.  My father was my “god”.  I idolized him as the one who was “all knowing and wise.”  He was an exceptional man, but I put him in a position he and no man deserves.  Instead of running to the throne I ran to the phone.  I didn’t understand to seek God first and let Him lead in who He would use to minister to me.  I just instinctively counted on my dad for everything.  In the midst of the battle for my own life, the call came that he too would now face a battle…one with cancer. 

How I wish I had known then what I now know about our weapons in Christ instead of accepting the traditional yet passive doctrine; “If it’s God’s will I’ll be healed.”  How I wish I’d known then that you can fight with weapons through Christ which are mighty for pulling down strongholds, how you have authority over your body and evil spirits which cause sickness and disease, how you can lay your hands in faith on the sick and they will recover, how you can change the very course of nature with your words, (2 Cor. 10:4, Luke 10:19, Eph. 6:10-18, 1:17-2:6; Mark 16:18, Romans 4:17, James 3:6; Prov. 18:21).  For lack of knowledge, My people perish, Hosea 4:6. (Sidebar:  As a contrast, years later, my mother was likewise stricken with incurable cancer; pancreatic, and given 3-4 months at most to live, but at that point I knew what to do in Christ and how to battle with His instruction and guidance.  She is alive today, years later, cancer free.)

I entered the fight with my father ill equipped and we lost the battle.  He passed before my very eyes.  From that moment on, I entertained and agreed with a spirit of grief.  Camping out in grief’s parking lot initiated a level of depression to the point I became even more immobile than I was prior to dad’s passing onto heaven.  I couldn’t seem to have any good memories of him; only the scene of death playing over and over in my mind as I would hit the rewind button and relive that morose scene.  I grew darker and darker on the inside.  Instead of finding a healthy way to pass through this valley of the shadow of death, I let it consume me.  As my health continued to decline, I suffered seizures in addition to all the other incapacitating symptoms.  I grieved Dad’s loss for a couple of years.  Every time anything brought a memory of him, I would cry for long periods of time.  I felt the loss so deep it literally felt like a knife cutting into me daily in the very depth of my being.  I felt so alone without his understanding ear or strong shoulders of which to lean.  Except for my will to be alive and functional for my beautiful children, I’m not sure how deep of a pit I would have sunk, but believe God gave me such treasure in them that I refused to give up completely. 

God, in His mercy, allowed me to slip into obscurity, to the point that I finally found myself in a place I knew I had to escape or I would perish.  The Lord was right there, illuminating my way and lifting me out of that dark pit.  I no longer wanted that mindset capturing my emotions and body.  I wanted out and He brought me to a wonderful refuge of safety and hope in Him.  I was finally free in spirit, soul and body.  My heart was no longer broken, my mind refused to think of things which brought me back to dark places, and my body began to manifest health again. 

In the process of deliverance, and over time, I was then able to allow Him to take me step by step through all the places of grief of which I suffered over the years since childhood.  Some of which I didn’t recognize as loss, was actually foundational for my understanding of why I seemed to grieve to an inordinate and harmful extent.  In equipping me with Himself, His Truth, His understanding, I began to walk in a new place of freedom from unhealthy grief of which I am eternally grateful.

With grief, we need to understand that it is normal to have sadness from loss, but if we are Christians, we have a Way for healing of our hearts, minds, and emotions from the loss.  Although we can grieve loss of anything, ie. job, friends, health, opportunities, house, relationships, family pet, etc., one of the most painful is the loss of a loved one.  If the loved one was a child or born again Christian, we can have the assurance we will see them again if we too are born again.  I gained a glimmer of understanding of this when I had to move away from my kids (which likewise includes my beloved son and daughter in law) and grandkids to relocate in a different state.  I felt so far away and cried as I unpacked the pictures of them from the boxes which held my belongings.  I didn’t think I would make it without having them close by.  I thought it unbearable to not be able to see each other when ever we wanted and to share the simple spontaneous things we so enjoyed together.  Then God, in His mercy, opened the way sooner than I expected to be able to move back to my children, and even placed us right in the same neighborhood as one child’s family and only ten minutes from the other!  This was far better than I had imagined and my heart is so full of how good our God is and how He tends to the details of our lives with such affection and care!  The homecoming has been full of peace and joy immeasurable.  I just had to be patient for His timing and ways which were far better than mine anyway. 

This move away and back again gave me a small picture of how our Homecoming will be when we all meet together in heaven with our loved ones who went before us.  When we say the cliché, “they are in a better place” we know that’s true but because we can’t relate, it doesn’t really help our own sorrow over the departure from us. We can, however, fix our thoughts on the knowledge that we will be with them again. We can rejoice in their Homecoming; they truly are in a place that is beyond our imagination.  We have never experienced something so magnificent , so we don’t have the capacity to understand how truly joyful it is to be there nor how glorious our elation will be to see them again, in perfection, with our beautiful Lord and His majesty. Some may not have the assurance that their loved one was born again.  I will tell you that we do have some loved ones who are born again, believing in the Lord to save them, but they did not show much evidence because they didn't spend time in the Word, letting it transform them.  For those who we don't know with all certainty they were born again, we have to commit that to the Lord and trust Him.  No one knows what transpired between that individual and the Lord just prior to their death.

In the meantime, we need to press into God, for He is the Healer of our wounded hearts.  He is no stranger to sorrow and grief and took that upon Himself.  No one understands better than Him what we are individually encountering and experiencing.  We can therfore accept His embrace as we go to Him to release our pain and ask and expect Him to heal us.  We can actually get to a place in Him whereby we still miss our loved one, but we don’t sorrow over the loss, knowing He is holding both them and us…forever.

As the holidays are upon us, if any of you are experiencing grief, which seems to occur more this time of year than any other season, I pray the Lover and Comforter of your soul, stirs and awakens you to a new level of comfort in Him.

As I finish this post, I am stricken with sadness over something that is trying to paint the holidays with melancholy because of the way this season currently has to be navigated by us.  I could feel my joy slipping and then heard the Lord tenderly whisper, “Can you just let that go and worship Me?”  As I surrender to the beauty of this moment of worship, I know that although He is always worthy of our worship, He is also doing this for my release from what is trying to occupy my heart and mind.  In His presence is fullness of joy.  I abandon all to You, my Love…

A Terrifying Journey: Our current Season

God led me to this amazing video of base jumping in wing suits today while spending time with Him.  I have been craving intimacy with Him yet I have been remiss in my busyness to take the precious time with Him I need.  This video expresses quite well the terror/excitement I am experiencing in this season as He has compelled Kurt and me to take flight as well, only in a spiritual sense instead of the natural.  As terrifying as it is to completely let go and fly in absolute trust of the Lord when He is compelling you to take a tremendous leap of faith, it is at the same time a thrill which few are willing to take.  We naturally want excitement, but not at the expense of giving up more of our comfort level than that of which we are “comfortable”!  We want to take off into realms unknown while standing squarely on the ground giving us sure footing, which is in fact, unattainable.

The details of what we are specifically dealing with in our move to Missouri basically seem to be creating an impossible situation which seems to be getting even more impossible, if impossible can become more impossible.  :)  For our protection in knowing we are going the right direction, however, God in His mercy, is closing all doors to which we could be tempted to either retreat or enter wrongfully.  Our true hearts’ desire is to be in the right place at the right time.  

Sometimes a strange thing happens once you abandon the known to walk in the supernatural; the unseen forces which operate in this earth begin to oppose you making things seem like you are now out of the will of God.  I’m so grateful that in my cluelessness, God knows exactly what He is doing and understands how much to allow things to heat up.  He knows how to work it all out for good.  I noticed in the video those aerobic thrill seekers looked like they were going to crash any moment into the edge of the rocky cliffs…but they never did, they just kept flying!  They were confidently defying the gravity that wants to keep us grounded.  They were obviously in full trust they were navigating the course correctly.  

This is where my husband and I are.  Even though adrenalin bursts as if in a fight or flight situation as risk factors increase, we know we are soaring in complete trust in our God.  He is big enough to correct our course if we are not hearing correctly.  The Lord once told me, “I cannot move a docked ship into the right direction.  You must move!  Even if in the wrong direction, I can steer you in the right one.  Don’t let fear of making a mistake paralyze you and cause you to miss My best for you.”

Last Friday, some very bad news came to us and we had all but given up, thinking that unless God brought something to open the way that day, we were finished with the course we were so desperately fighting to maintain.  Late that afternoon, we got a call that brought us a renewed sense of hope that we were to proceed.  In recognizing the multitude of fears we were facing, through tears which blurred my natural vision, I could clearly see the main fear I was facing.  I had to admit, I was afraid of looking foolish to others.  We have boldly proclaimed our faith journey before us to any ears among us!  We have confessed the outcome as we believe God has shown us…but what if we’re wrong?  What if this whole thing doesn’t turn out well for us after all?  Oh God…how I HATE the torture doubt brings…

God woke my husband and me up Sunday, in the wee hours of 3:00-4:00 am which seem to be the Lord’s favorite time to call me to attention!  I knew Kurt was lying there awake as well but neither one spoke.  We were each contemplating the move God has placed before us to which we said, “Yes, we will go,” but to which nothing has seemed to be simple or conventional to orchestrate.  Returning to my beloved family is easy on my soul and welcomed with open arms by us both, but the circumstances to do so have been nothing short of terrifying.  God has purposefully denied us having any sure footing in this move.  

That morning as I lay awake, the Lord began to speak to me with pictures forming in my mind of Peter and the other disciples from Matthew 14.  Jesus had just sent the multitudes away and HE PUT THE DISCIPLES IN THE BOAT; then He left!  A storm arose and they were starting to freak out.  They were in the middle of the sea…too far out to turn back.  It was somewhere between 3 and 6 am when they saw a figure moving on the surface of the water.  They thought it was apparition which was a superstitious sign and was particularly such to sailors as they believed that manifestation to be a sign of certain shipwreck.  Immediately Jesus spoke to them and told them to be of good cheer and not to be afraid!  We, like Peter, continually want the Lord to identify Himself and therefore, Peter’s answer to the Lord was that if this truly was the Lord, then he wanted to perform a supernatural event.  He specifically asked the WORD (Jesus) to COMMAND him to come and supernaturally walk with Him.  (In God's mercy, He “kissed” us with confirmation that we have heard His voice with that very message and scripture being taught on a podcast of a sermon we watched a few hours later.)

Asking to walk in the supernatural is exactly what Kurt’s heart has yearned for and of which he has been seeking the Lord.  I have asked that very thing for a couple of decades now and have experienced it many times.  As a couple, we have asked God to show us His supernatural side, no longer satisfied with the doctrines and traditions of men.  We too want to walk on the water with our focus on the Lord alone.  

The Lord reminded Kurt that if we indeed wish to see His supernatural works, we must be placed in situations where it takes a supernatural event to save us!  This supernatural positioning puts us so far out there, there is no turning back, there is no protection from “perishing” except from the Lord’s provision, and there are no resources we can use to find sure footing to hold us up other than the Word Himself.  It’s a place that will be challenged by everything around us as the very elements themselves seem to oppose what God has set into motion.  

Our focus determines our success to walk this walk.  As long as we focus on Jesus, we can do all things through Him, but if our focus turns instead to the storms around us, we will surely sink.  To help me in this, I use my creative imagination whenever I am afraid and “see” His face right in front of mine, as if in an embrace.  His loving eyes so near to mine block out whatever is going on around me and I feel the fear begin to fade.  The more fear attacking, the closer I picture Him to me as if it is His very breath I am inhaling.  I must admit this latest season has caused me to feel at times like we are sinking and that the events which have begun to unfold were a sign of shipwreck as we still continue to deal with the “storms” which persist to come against us.  However, He promised to never leave us so I KNOW He’s there whether He’s talking or choosing to be silent.  If I get weak and look to the storms instead of Him, I know as with Peter, He is with me.  He immediately saves me and I do not perish in that thing of which I am battling.  He stretches out His hands and catches me!  He is merciful and faithful even though I don’t deserve it.

Our “boat” of which God has placed us is that we are leaving all security behind and going to a place Kurt does not know.  We don’t have resources to uphold us.  It will be the Lord alone who will connect us to the right people and circumstances as we start over.  It will be the Lord who provides our housing and meets our every need. 

We were made to fly, not in the natural, but we have been given spiritual wings to fly once we accept Jesus as our Savior.  He placed that inherently in us which is why our hearts soar with dreams and excitement over the endless possibilities before us.  He wants us to leave the sure footing of our resources and wildly abandon ourselves in full trust of Him and FLY!  We must ascend in the trust that He knows what He’s doing.  His ways are higher than ours, which means sometimes our minds will be void of understanding although deep within the recesses of our inner most being, we will have a sense of sure footedness, being grounded in Him.

Chickens peck on the fenced-in ground being completely focused on what is right in front of them and what is readily available to them in their effort to supply their needs; while eagles soar on unseen winds with no boundaries to hold them in.  I truly believe God is awakening His Body to a new level of trust in Him to soar.  He wants to bless us with more of Him.  I am watching Him launch all of my family members and some friends and acquaintances into their own “boats” of higher levels of trust.  He has commissioned several I know besides us to commence on an “Abrahamic” journey…leaving all behind and going to a place they do not know…but they will know when they get there, Genesis 12:1-4.  

Blessings to you as you refuse to allow fear to have its way with you and you choose to walk on the water!

People with a High Threshold for Pain...

 Image courtesy of Gualberto107/ FreeDigitalPhotos.net

This word I believe I received from the Lord may not touch as big of an audience as my previous posts because it is very specific for certain individuals.  You will know if you relate or not.

During intercessory prayer on August 24, 2013, while in prophetic worship of the Lord, I heard the following:

Some people with a high threshold for pain will tolerate things or people who cause pain entirely too long.  It's an unsanctified form of mercy...patience to endure what I am saying, "Put this away.  Be done with this."

There are aspects of personalities/characteristics/habits which need to be offered to Me in surrender of sacrifice.  You will feel like you are giving something up, but you are actually gaining.  Seek Me for wisdom of how to do this.  Look for open doors of opportunity to give it up.  Speak forth what I give you to say, confident of this:  I will turn it around for good.  Go free and help others do likewise.  Stop enabling behaviors which actually keep others in bondage.  Go free from chains of darkness which have even held some for generations.  Go free My people, go free.

I got a sense that this word is speaking to those of us who put up with things which we feel is the "nice or right" thing to do when it actually is enabling people to continue in wrong behavior.  Sometimes we do this because we are intimidated, or we don't like confrontation, or we just want to "keep the peace" and just don't want to deal with it.  This is man pleasing and displeasing to God, because it just messes up the very things we think we are fixing or helping.  He is specific that it is better to please Him than man, Gal. 1:10.  He also does not want our motivation for action or lack thereof to be determined by fear. We will be gaining freedom and helping them to do likewise, if afterward they will choose to make good decisions and change their own behaviors or accept responsibility for themselves and their actions.

It's interesting that the word, "threshold" means: the point that must be exceeded to begin producing a given effect or result or to elicit a response; a point at which a stimulus is of sufficient intensity to begin to produce an effect; a line determining the limits of an area.  

SEASON OF OVERWHELM

We are currently in a season from the Lord of “overwhelm”.  We are “out there” so far in the deep that we only have two choices at this point:  sink or swim.  Just as the Spirit of the Lord led Jesus into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil, so we too are being tested to see where our hearts are strong and what we still need to surrender to the Lord.  Jesus, of course, passed every test, even though He was weak with hunger and tempted with things which directly impacted His heart.  As He passed each test He was taken to higher levels of temptation.  How did He pass these tests?  He slew His enemy and passed each level of testing with the Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God.  (Matt. 4).

The Lord sets before us two choices:  life or death, blessing or curses, Deut. 30:19.  He will not overrule our freedom to choose, nor will He force His will, overriding ours.  We make thousands of decisions each day.  For those choices to impact our life correctly, we need to make the right ones, which God clearly says will bring us blessings and life.  To choose independently of the one who is Life and who brings blessings, would be foolish as it would bring curses and death, of which can come in many forms, not just physical death. This sounds so harsh except the reality of this spiritual law is this:  we have a Father who loves us more than we fathom, who is motivated by this indescribable love, and leads us to do those things which will open us up to the blessings He holds in His heart to bestow upon us. But it's still our choice to decide which one we will operate.  We truly don't get that there are only two choices; it's one or the other of which we are operating. 

So how does that amazing love equate to putting us into a season of overwhelm???  Being presented with the two choices stated above, we are now at a time we must choose which way we are going to go.  We must decide on purpose to either:  be overwhelmed with stress, worry, anxiety, fear, dread, rush-rush-hurry-hurry mentality; which all creates frustration and a negative attitude; or be overwhelmed with His goodness for our lives by letting go of all the fear-based things from the list above and press into getting to know Him and His nature of goodness for us.  How do we do that?  Just as Jesus overcame in the wilderness with the Word, we too will overcome this season of overwhelm with getting to know the Word, Jesus, (John 1:1). 

We tend to want to spend time with God and His Word, but we just are too busy to actually do it.  Once you decide you are going to take the plunge and take time from your busy schedule to make space for God and you, I can predict some things will probably occur with your effort to do this: 

1.  You will have to seek the Lord about what is the best time for you in your life circumstances to spend that time with God.

2.  You will be challenged to keep that time with God. 

3.  If you are able to keep it, you will have a hard time focusing or feeling like you are in His presence. 

4.  You will succeed in the above if you are determined that NO MATTER WHAT, you won’t give up but will keep pressing in. 

5.  As you keep pressing, you will begin to catch the wave of His Spirit, learning more of Him each day, learning how to flow with Him in His will for your life; where and how He leads you. 

6. As you flow with His Spirit, the Kingdom of God will manifest in your life which is:  righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit, Romans 14:17. 

7.  As the fruit of the Kingdom manifests in your life, you will learn how to cast cares upon God along with all of the fear those burdens bring which try to overwhelm you.

8.  You will then be overwhelmed with His goodness of: peace, joy, open doors, closed doors, provision, miracles, divine connections, timing, wisdom, abundant life, and the pressures of this life will not succeed in stealing your joy and peace.  Even if the storms are enormous and you may have uneasiness because of them, you can still know deep in your gut that your Father has His hand on you.  You will know He is guiding you, helping you navigate the storms to come out on the other side with even more than you would have had, had the storms not occurred.  He works ALL things out TOGETHER for our good because we love Him and are called according to His purpose, (Rom. 8:28).

Looking at our peace lily this morning I realized that it finally bloomed after changing my watering habits.  Instead of just maybe once a week, I water a bit everyday now.  It hasn't bloomed in a very long time.  Now it has five blooms; 5=the number of grace!

God drove home His point with a dream I had last week which has been a reoccurring dream for years.  The specifics change but not the overall message each time I have these dreams.  Interpretation is in ( )’s.  I was in college, (higher learning opportunities in the Lord) and trying to find my dorm room, (the place or season where we are “living” right now.)  I found my room and it was large.  Usually the rooms in the previous dreams are small and cluttered.  (This room being large symbolizes more opportunity in this particular season.)  The room was entirely the color of red from the painted ceilings and walls to the carpeted floors and furniture.  The walls had murals of people who seemed happy but it still felt very overwhelming to be around so much red.  It made me feel completely over-stimulated and anxious and I knew I had to change that immediately to something more soothing and calm.  (Nuff said)  Immediately after that decision to obtain a peaceful living environment, I found myself with a man who I knew very well, intimately, who seemed like my husband yet also comrade, friend, etc., (Jesus.)  There was a dance contest that a group of us in the college were getting ready to go participate in and everyone needed time to practice.  My partner and I just started flowing in our dance routine.  I didn’t even need to know what He was going to do next, I could just follow him, (trusting the Lord and letting Him lead us step by step.)  At one point, however, I did attempt to lead which threw us off and out of step.  Discerning what happened, I immediately exclaimed, “Oh dear, I just tried to lead.”  I got right back in line with him as the lead, which caused us to glide and flow effortlessly together all over the dorm.  It was a fun and magnificent dance to which others watching were in awe.  (When we try to lead, it will throw things off in our life and we need to be quick to repent, calling out what we did and immediately turn away from it.  This puts us right back in line with His perfect will for us and our life will flow in peace and joy again.)  It was time for the contest and somehow I got separated from my partner.  This is also a recurrent part of dreams in the past whereby at this point I usually am panicking and not able to find him.  I feel stress, loss, and fear that I won’t find him and will miss out on what I am supposed to be doing/receiving.  However, this time I chose to react differently than all the times in the past.  I chose to believe that we would meet up on the stage as we both knew where to go.  I chose to decide that if something went differently than what I thought, then that was ok.  He now has me in a place where I trust Him and that all will go according to His plan since I am yielded to Him anyway.

If we look at our plans and what we actually get accomplished of those plans, we will feel a sense of loss and like we are always fighting time.  We will bear fruit of worry, anxiety, fear, dread, frustration and foreboding.  If we surrender our lives/day to the Lord and look at what He is ordering for our day and our steps, we will sense a feeling of gratitude for how He is using us and accomplishing His purposes for our lives.  We will bear fruit of peace and joy.  We will know which decision we made by the fruit we bear.  If we have cast the care, we will be able to say to the care, “I don’t care,” and to the circumstances, “Oh well…this is how God wants it or it would have turned out differently.”

Just today, I had much on my plate of VERY IMPORTANT things I HAD TO ACCOMPLISH by a certain deadline…when the Lord interrupted MY plans and told me to write this blog.  I must consider and choose to believe all our times are in His hands, all in due time, He is sovereign and goes before us ordering our steps, it’s ok for us to plan but the end result is in His hands.

After finishing this blog my husband informed me that he awoke from a dream this morning.  I didn’t tell him what this blog was about or even that I was writing it.  In his dream he was with a large group of people.  He found himself with all of them in a vast, dark basement that was open at the top as if the foundation had just been poured.  The walls were high, creating a deep foundation.  Everyone was following him and he felt fear that he led them to an empty hole.  The Lord spoke over him in his dream, “Just tell them to be at peace.” 

We can feel like we have dug ourselves into deep pits of problems, but God is saying in the midst of it all, let peace be your strong foundation of which He is building something wonderful!

Out of the mouth of two or three witness every fact is confirmed: Peace, be still and know that I am God, Psalm 46:10.